My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.