(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
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God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.