Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.