My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Look at this
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first