If snakes were wide
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How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.