One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
In space, no one can hear…
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.