A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
somewhere, in an alternate universe
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol