[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
This hospital has everything
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.