An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
You Might Also Like
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.