You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.