FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
You Might Also Like
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
necessity is the mother of invention