Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Aaaa…CHOO!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick