ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Good Morning.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES