No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.