My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
when there are deer in the woods
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.