I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep