Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
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Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died