Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”