Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
You Might Also Like
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
when u come home smelling like another dog
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
For the ones in the back.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…