in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
You Might Also Like
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.