During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies