Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
lost dog
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
.. do you even science?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Don’t tell me what to do
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.