*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.