Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
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“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
#winning
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!