Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”