I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
How software testing works
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
How is it still this week?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s