Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe