“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: