[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“HELP WITH CAT”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.