2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Every damn time
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach