[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
me adding lol on a serious message
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life