Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*