If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
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I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what