What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
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She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
The funk soul brother
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.