We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”