I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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haha same
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.