Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell