before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
yea so i messed up lol
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
wut hotdog?