Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
felt that
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment