These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
No regrets in 2018
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
this has to be peak English
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner