“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
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Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper