Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
*puts cutlery down*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Sponch
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.