Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You Might Also Like
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Don’t snitch tag.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.