When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
You Might Also Like
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.