[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what