Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
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Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom