NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party