Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him