Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!