who wore it better?
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.